I don't want to do this today

Don't ask me what I'd like to do instead, because I couldn't answer you. I just know that this - the mess, the crying, the endless to-do list? isn't it. I'm going to need a whole lot of miracle to get through today. I don't even want to make it through today in a blaze of glory. Just get to the other side of today. Because in this moment, right now, I'm not sure if I will. In this moment, I am angry. With Lachlan, for leaving me to go off to work every day. With my birth mother, for not showing me how to be patient with children. With Lachlan again, for making me choose between him and my family. With the children, for being difficult to manage. With myself, for being so fat and trying to blame it on everyone else. I'm just angry. And sad, and hurt, and bewildered by it all. It makes me want to scream, cry, curl up on the couch, hide, run away, or just ignore it all. Take your pick. I have no energy, no life. I feel as though the life has been sucked away, and I am a hollow shell of a human being, with no capacity to care about anyone or anything. Thankfully, because of my youth, I can still function on this level. What would you call that, exactly? Functionally depressed? Who knows. Anyway, I think I hear Charlie pulling the nappy wipes out of the packet, so I should probably go attend to that. See you later, Sarah

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