Stuff to Do

I'm taking a hiatus from blogging for a while. I'll still email, but I'm going through something personal, and difficult. I've been living a double life. No, I'm not a lead singer for a goth punk grunge band in my spare time (spare time?!?). I've been telling everyone how rosy things are in my world since Pippa's come along, and the truth is far from it. The truth is that I'm struggling. A lot. I had to admit some harsh truths to my husband this weekend about how I'm coping (or not, as the case seems to be). The truth is that I bathe her, I change her, I feed her, and I would give my life for her, but it's not out of a sense of love. I look at her sometimes and just feel no connection to her at all. It's like she's this needy, screaming little alien, and I don't know what to do with her. Sometimes I don't even want to deal with her. But I do. I've been forcing myself to try and feel this love that I'm "supposed"

It never ends, this blessing called motherhood. Whichever the road we travel by, once we embark on this journey, we are committed to it for life. Here is to all the amazing mothers out there. When I first knew about you, I wasn't sure if I could love you, but God knew better. When I first knew about you, I was terrified that something would happen to take you away but God knew better. As days turned into weeks into months, I was so afraid to love you, in case you left us to go back to Heaven. but God knew better. Even as you were getting ready to come meet us, I wasn't sure if we could love you enough. but God knew better. The instant I saw your tiny face I thought my heart would explode into a million pieces of love and awe and wonder, all because God knew better.