Confession

I'm taking a hiatus from blogging for a while. I'll still email, but I'm going through something personal, and difficult. I've been living a double life. No, I'm not a lead singer for a goth punk grunge band in my spare time (spare time?!?). I've been telling everyone how rosy things are in my world since Pippa's come along, and the truth is far from it. The truth is that I'm struggling. A lot. I had to admit some harsh truths to my husband this weekend about how I'm coping (or not, as the case seems to be). The truth is that I bathe her, I change her, I feed her, and I would give my life for her, but it's not out of a sense of love. I look at her sometimes and just feel no connection to her at all. It's like she's this needy, screaming little alien, and I don't know what to do with her. Sometimes I don't even want to deal with her. But I do. I've been forcing myself to try and feel this love that I'm "supposed" to feel, and it's just not there. So I lie to people, and tell them how besotted I am, because what kind of a mother doesn't feel love for her child? Sometimes I just sit there, holding her, trying to use my jedi mind powers to get her to stop the screaming, (it doesn't work, I'm crap at being a Jedi) and I just feel numb. And I think I should feel something. Some kind of sympathy, some urge to comfort her. But I don't. I just feel...blank. I tune it out, and just sit there, staring into space. I feel as though I'm hanging on by a thread. A very fine thread, that can't take a whole lot of weight. So I'm cutting out non-essentials, and really trying to take care of myself, so I can be there for my family. We're okay, I think, but it's not something I feel comfortable blogging about on a semi-daily basis for the whole world, and at the same time, it's hard for me to blog about superficial stuff when I'm really struggling with something so serious. For now, I suppose my prayer request is that this doesn't get any worse. So that's my confession, such as it is. I'll try and email you guys now and again, with some updates on how we're doing, and I'll let you know when I start blogging again.

XOXO,
Sarah

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What a relief!

I have a hard time keeping secrets. Not other people's secrets, but my own. So when I have a secret, I really want to broadcast it to the world. The last 5 days have been incredibly difficult for me, but finally I can tell everyone.   I am indeed, as my sister eloquently put it, with child. Well, given the title of my blog I'm usually with child, but specifically, my uterus is with child again.   It's truly amazing how even just the knowledge that you are pregnant can change your perceptions. Monday, I didn't know. It didn't even cross my mind. Tuesday morning, I didn't know. Tuesday afternoon, I know. And all of a sudden, I'm exhausted and nauseated. Physically, I am no different, really from Monday to today. But mentally, emotionally? My world has been officially rocked!   XOXO, Sarah
Keep reading

Where Do We Go Next?

The truth is, nobody really knows what happens next.  At the stroke of midnight,  people will celebrate the close of a year that has felt absolutely interminable. We all hope things get better, we talk about how we are hopeful - but what are we going to DO to make it better? I'm a storyteller. In the words that I write, in the food I prepare, in singing, in decorating my home, in my garden. Until now, much of my storytelling has been reflective, introspective. In this new year, I want to tell stories that bring us together. I'm stepping out of my own head, and writing words that tell the story of courageously walking towards that big fat question mark.  What happens next? Don't know, and it doesn't matter. I'm stepping out to meet it no matter what it is. I'm not hiding behind pretty words for another day of my life.  What would my life be like if I finished my certificate and got a job at a school? I don't know, but I'm doing it anyway. What would it fe
Keep reading

Please understand

I know I haven't been very communicative lately, and trust me - there's a really REALLY good reason. I'll be able to spill the beans in a few days' time, but until then, it's really hard for me to write anything without giving anything away. So, as soon as possible, I'll be back to normal blogging practices, boring the daylights out of you all with my inane stories of poop, pee, and other hilarious bodily functions. :-)   XOXO, Sarah
Keep reading