Stuff to Do

I've been busy just doing life lately. The big, the small, the in-between. Thinking about the stages of family life we're leaving behind, and the stages we're headed for. Enjoying where we are (most of the time, anyway).  I always want to choose Love- sometimes with a toilet brush, sometimes with cake,  sometimes with a cuddle. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy. Sometimes in the drive-thru, sometimes in an emergency department, sometimes in time-out. Sometimes it sounds like Macarena, sometimes it sounds like stepping into a pack of hysterical seagulls, sometimes it sounds like silence. sometimes it sounds like a desperate plea for patience and wisdom and just another hour of mamability to get us over the bedtime finish line. Sometimes it looks like a cold plate of food because mama we want another story, sometimes it looks like a beach's worth of sand in my car, sometimes it looks like a walking circus.  Sometime

Go figure, I call my blog Something To Say and then don't say a word for 5 months. Meh.  So I've been busy, but my brain has been busier - struggling to put the bits and pieces into words that make a tiny bit of sense.  Lately, I've been going through the motions of motherhood. Doing what needs to be done, but I'm not really there. Smiling feels forced, like something I do because it's seems like an appropriate response. Zero joy in anything. I love my children, but really don't like motherhood. I've been struggling with this in my head, afraid to say it out loud, because I know that some people won't understand that, and I can't deal with the guilt of being thought ungrateful on top of the general internal feeling of *ugh* that I feel just about every single day.  I've been doing a lot of introspection, and man, it's messy in my head. There's the low self-esteem, covered in mother-guilt, wrapped up in broken sleep, and an overwhelm

I'm not saying I've got it all figured out, because I don't. My oldest girl sasses me at every turn (we're working on it!), and the sibling rivalry around these parts is intense.  I suppose what I am saying is that as we approach the new school year, with its routines, schedules and processes, is that I feel very positive. Last year was a steep learning curve for this mama. First year of kindergarten, first year of preschool, one failure to thrive which resulted in approximately 567 appointments - give or take, and one child who wore socks on her hands most of the year and slept all night maybe once. That means that in the last year, I have slept all night three times. Whatever, I make tired look awesome, and I'm okay with that.  This year, I have learned that taking care of myself is perhaps the most important thing I can do as a wife and mother. This has been a huge discovery for me. Having to reflect on what it is that I require to have a healthy mind, a heal