Struggling to find words

It's been a year since my dad died. I found myself missing him so much today. I find myself angry that he didn't take better care of himself when he was alive. I find myself feeling so aimless, and wishing desperately that I could call him up and ask for direction. He was such a strong influence in my life, and I have a lifetime of special memories. Sometimes it helps to remember him, and sometimes it makes me worse. I don't want to forget him, but remembering him, it only makes me feel bitter and angry. I know that anger is supposed to be one of the stages of grief, but I always thought it was just anger that someone was gone. Not anger directed at that person. This is hard for me, because I don't think I've ever been angry with my dad. He's always been on a bit of a pedestal, despite his flaws, because he was willing to own up to being less than perfect. I feel guilty for being angry with someone who isn't here to defend himself. This is out of the blue for me, and it's a little hard to accept that I am angry with him. Really angry. Anyone else have anything to offer on this subject? How can I stop being mad at my father? Does it just take time?
Cheers,
Sarah

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