Uncomfortable Love

A good day for me would look like this:

5am start, prayer and exercise
Breakfast
Shower
Morning routine with children getting to school on time
Walk dog
Clean house
Errands
Lunch
Baking
Coffee and reading
Writing
After school routine with children completing all tasks
Dinner
Evening routine with children going to bed on time happily.
Fold laundry while watching Netflix
Go to sleep alone, and sleep for 8 consecutive hours.

I think we can all see the potential for things not going exactly as planned in that scenario, and if that's my criteria for a good day, I will likely never have one. 

I cannot control other people, but I allow them to control me, and the resentment I feel on a daily basis is actually self-resentment. I hate that I allow others to control my life, and I hate that I feel powerless to change. 

I've been thinking a lot about my decision to try life without medication. When I made that decision, I was in a good place. I was feeling strong, and after so much time with my husband filling my cup, it made sense. It made perfect sense, and I stand by that decision. I recognise now that rather than learning to fill my own cup, learning self-care, what I actually did was to delegate that to him. I still do not possess the skills to care for myself, still find it dreadfully uncomfortable - so when he isn't here, I am depleted by the end of the first day. I'm surviving each day, but only just.

I want more.

After all this soul-searching, and some difficult conversation with my husband who pointed out that I was apologising for my existence, I realised that so much of my current challenges come back to my lack of commitment to myself. I treat myself as though I don't deserve the oxygen I take up, and I think I'm ready to call that the lie that it is. I'm ready to stand up and say to everyone around me:


 What this is going to look like, I'm not certain. I've got a lot of work ahead of me, and it will be hard. I won't give up though, because love doesn't quit - and if I love my family, then I have to love myself too.

XO, Sarah
 


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