Some Thoughts Without a Title
I've been adjusting my medication schedule - mornings simply don't work well, because they're not consistent enough, and I kept missing doses every time things went pear-shaped. Simply having a child home was enough to throw me out, and I would forget. So when a friend suggested taking it at bedtime instead, that seemed a much better idea. After all, I go to bed roughly the same time every night. While eventually things will even out, at the moment I'm having to work extremely hard to see the good and to accurately assess situations so I can respond appropriately. It is comforting to know that this is a temporary state, and when things level out, I will be happy again. For now though, it's hard, hard work. Exhausting. Which kind of lowers my immunity, and my shingles pain comes back. But I am confident, which is relatively new. I'm not stuck in "This is too hard".
I've been working very hard at shedding the guilt and self-criticism which has been my constant companion for years. Working to not listen to statements in my head which sound a lot like:
"You're a bad mama because..."
"You should/shouldn't do this because EVERYONE ELSE does/doesn't do it that way "
"You would be better if you ..."
The way I am trying to stop that dialogue is by rewriting those lies, and calling them out for what they are.
"I'm a good mama because I love my children."
"I should run my own race, in my own lane, because I am the only me there is in the world. I'm not like everyone else, so I don't have to do things like them."
"I am fearfully and wonderfully made, perfected in Christ, and doing my best to live that out every single day". Yes, I get it wrong sometimes. And that's okay, as long as I keep living to please my Father above.
I'm not living for the approval of anyone here on earth. While it's nice to get gold stars, it's not my purpose in life. This process of learning, of figuring out myself, it's really uncomfortable. I still prickle when I'm asked what I want. The truth is, I don't know. My husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I couldn't really answer, because considering what I wanted was uncomfortable. It felt selfish. As I wrote in a post a couple of weeks ago, I'm learning that by considering my own needs, I'm actually increasing the amount I can offer to others. It is a challenge though, to retrain 43 years of thinking.
My son asked me what my favourite colour was. When I was his age, it was yellow. For a time, I couldn't really answer, and I thought there was something wrong with me. I mean, doesn't EVERYONE have a favourite colour? Then I realised, I don't - and that's just as valid. My favourite colour depends on what I'm looking at, when I'm looking at it. The rich green trees of spring against the perfect blue sky is stunning. The white tree blossoms raining down in the breeze is magical. The ridiculously beautiful combination of pink, purple, orange, red, yellow, and an infinite number of hues I cannot even name every time the sun sets - it moves my soul. The delicate purple chive flowers in the garden, which attract the bees. The yellow dandelions which decorate our lawn, then turn into white wishes and get carried off to other places. They are all my favourite, and I'm fine with that.
XO, Sarah
I've been working very hard at shedding the guilt and self-criticism which has been my constant companion for years. Working to not listen to statements in my head which sound a lot like:
"You're a bad mama because..."
"You should/shouldn't do this because EVERYONE ELSE does/doesn't do it that way "
"You would be better if you ..."
The way I am trying to stop that dialogue is by rewriting those lies, and calling them out for what they are.
"I'm a good mama because I love my children."
"I should run my own race, in my own lane, because I am the only me there is in the world. I'm not like everyone else, so I don't have to do things like them."
"I am fearfully and wonderfully made, perfected in Christ, and doing my best to live that out every single day". Yes, I get it wrong sometimes. And that's okay, as long as I keep living to please my Father above.
I'm not living for the approval of anyone here on earth. While it's nice to get gold stars, it's not my purpose in life. This process of learning, of figuring out myself, it's really uncomfortable. I still prickle when I'm asked what I want. The truth is, I don't know. My husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I couldn't really answer, because considering what I wanted was uncomfortable. It felt selfish. As I wrote in a post a couple of weeks ago, I'm learning that by considering my own needs, I'm actually increasing the amount I can offer to others. It is a challenge though, to retrain 43 years of thinking.
My son asked me what my favourite colour was. When I was his age, it was yellow. For a time, I couldn't really answer, and I thought there was something wrong with me. I mean, doesn't EVERYONE have a favourite colour? Then I realised, I don't - and that's just as valid. My favourite colour depends on what I'm looking at, when I'm looking at it. The rich green trees of spring against the perfect blue sky is stunning. The white tree blossoms raining down in the breeze is magical. The ridiculously beautiful combination of pink, purple, orange, red, yellow, and an infinite number of hues I cannot even name every time the sun sets - it moves my soul. The delicate purple chive flowers in the garden, which attract the bees. The yellow dandelions which decorate our lawn, then turn into white wishes and get carried off to other places. They are all my favourite, and I'm fine with that.
XO, Sarah
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