Homesick

I'm having one of those rare days when I really regret moving here. When I question my capabilities as a mother, when I wonder if I would have been happier settling down over in the US. Which is silly, because I'm here now, and here is where I'm meant to be. But still, I feel so lonely sometimes. For my family members, for familiar foods, smells, and sounds. For bathroom chats with my mother. For family gatherings, filled with love, laughter, and warmth. For the remarkable greek-ness (as portrayed in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) of my non-greek family. For my dad's wisdom. For people who just 'get' me, because they've known me my whole life. For OIP cheesesteaks, pizzas and salads. For the smell of freshly cut sweet grass mixed with the faint aroma of cow manure. For high school football games, marching bands, hot cocoa, seeing my breath in the air, yellow school buses, the smell of crisp dried leaves, Yankee candles, Martin's potato chips, SNOW, Weis supermarket, Wal-Mart, The farmer's market, The creaky stairs at my parents' house, the sleighbells attached to the door, For the smell of skunk (not the full-on smell, but the faint, oh-is-that-a-skunk?kind). Fields filled with dandelions and Queen Anne's Lace. My family's church (and mine too, when I'm there). These are just a few of the things that I miss, and at the moment, miss an awful lot.

So how do you stop missing those things? Replace them with other things? Some would say it's impossible to replace those memories. You'd have better success at replacing your own brain, which is to say, NONE. Do I try to create different things? Not sure. I suppose some of you would say that this isn't meant to be my home anyway- that Heaven is my ultimate home, and the longing I feel isn't for anything earthly, but rather for Heaven. That's certainly true, but how can you miss something you haven't had yet? I can long for it, and some days more than others I do wish it would just come already, but at this precise moment, I'm missing the familiar. And no amount of anything can fill the hole in my heart that used to be home. Yes, I've got two beautiful girls, and a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive. Yes, I have an education, and I am blessed to be able to stay at home. I'm relatively healthy other than needing to lose a few (okay, 20) kilos. I appreciate all that I have.

It's not about that. It's about learning to live a different life, when the one you lived for 30 years is gone. I've been here for 2 1/2 years now, and although I have tried so hard to fit in, there is a big part of me that feels like I'm only pretending to be someone else. I desperately want to be someone who doesn't pass wind, belch, swear, laugh at inappropriate times. I'd like to be a lady, of sorts - but I don't know if I can deprogram 34 years of training. Plus, it's entirely possible that it's genetic, in which case, it's over before it begins. I'd like to be someone who enjoys breastfeeding instead of wanting to chuck it all in.  I'd like to be someone who remembers every birthday. I'd like to be someone who remembers people's names. I'd like to be more secure and confident in my ability to be a parent, so that I don't feel all the time like I'm screwing up my kids for life, setting them up for thousands of dollars in therapy.

I'd like to be June frickin' Cleaver, I suppose. Except without the pearls. Which is ridiculous, because she is a fictional character. The only person I know of that even comes close to that is Fussypants, who wore pearls when she had her son. And because I'm only one person, limited by being only one body, I can not possibly take my mom and dad's sense of humour, my mother-in-laws cooking skills, my sister-in-law's confidence in parenting, my youngest sister's zest for life, my Indiana sister's also rockin' sense of humour, the wisdom of my many friends, and my husband's ability to boil a problem to its easiest solution, wrapping it up into one package. It's making me crazy trying.

So where does this leave me? Living the best I can, one day at a time. I'll be honest, today was a whopper emotionally, but it's quiet now, and the girls are both asleep in their beds. So we've made it through. Now I'm off to read my new Bible , and have a few bottles of water.

XOXO,

Sarah