Reflections

As we prepare for the arrival of our daughter, I wanted to record some thoughts I've been having lately, so I can look back on them later. 

Most of you know that Lachlan and I had a miscarriage in 2004. Twins, at around 7 weeks or so. If you've never felt that particular form of grief, you can imagine, but you can not know how deep it runs.  When it happened, there were days I wanted to die. I imagined driving off the road and into the ravine on our way to work each day.  I had nothing else to occupy the space where our dreams of a child had been.  I found it impossible to walk past racks of baby clothes, or look at children's books, or even teach my Sunday school class of pre-schoolers.

When we fell pregnant again, in February 2006, I was terrified, but cautiously optimistic. When I started spotting again, I was certain that it was the end. In my mind, I had already lost our baby. Having it confirmed by the doctor was secondary. This time, though, I had other things to worry about, as we were moving overseas, and I was just too busy to grieve. After we had arrived in our new country though, I remember sitting, with my mother-in-law in the middle of a shopping centre and crying because I just so desperately wanted to be a mother. I was beginning to doubt that I would ever have a child, and yet I was certain that I was meant to be a mother.  Maybe there was something wrong with my body? Maybe we could someday adopt? I was so, so, so sad. Two days later, Lachlan took me to the doctor, because I still hadn't 'completed' the miscarriage, and I was feeling absolutely lousy. We wanted to get it sorted out, so we could focus on trying again. Imagine our shock when the doctor picked up the sound of a tiny, but fierce heartbeat. Miracle of miracles, our baby was still there! As deep as my grief had been, so high was my joy.

Now, as I sit here typing, and listening to the sounds that beautiful, blessed, miracle of a child is making, I think about how unique and how overwhelming is the love I have for her. She is a part of me, as much as my own heartbeat or breath.

When we fell pregnant this time, we were both in shock, for quite some time. Happy, but so completely surprised that it was (and sometimes still is, with only 5 weeks to go) really happening. There were many days when I didn't feel ready to share myself with another child. Now though, I look forward to being able to say "my children", or "my daughters". I look forward to introducing Charlotte to her new sister, of watching the two of them grow up together, of just having a tiny little person around again. I relish the thought of midnight feedings, crying that won't end, the smell of a new baby's head, having two different sizes of nappies, breastfeeding, and all the change that comes with a new baby.

 

I love all my children: David Andrew, Grace Elizabeth, Charlotte Elizabeth, and Philippa Jane. Born or Unborn, here on Earth or in Heaven with Jesus - they are all my children, and all equally a part of me, now and forever.

Sarah