ADHD Awareness Month /Blogtober

 I changed my Facebook profile picture for the month of October, to acknowledge ADHD Awareness. A profile picture doesn't get the conversation happening though, so I thought I would take it further. I'm in between university sessions, so I have some time. 

Growing up, I was 'the space cadet'. I was chatty, I asked a billion questions, I was always busy reading. I explored the woods behind my house, engaged in music, theatre, band, dance. Rearranged my bedroom ALL THE TIME. Forgot assignments, or procrastinated like a champ. Lost things, misplaced things, couldn't keep my room clean to save my life. My grades were average, with the possible exception of music, which I loved. Struggled with binge eating, too. My emotions were all over the shop. As a young adult, I missed deadlines, was perpetually late, and my apartment was a hot mess. As a new parent, I honestly don't know how we all survived. Adding sleep deprivation to an already maxed out brain seems cruel somehow, and adding severe eczema (you can go back and read old posts, but most of you already know about it) made things even harder. Now we had medications, intensive skincare regimes, appointments - on top of preschool dropoffs, paediatricians - it was ridiculously hard, but we managed by being regimented. Charts, lists, schedules were my best friends. It didn't always work, because kids. But it worked often enough that I believed the message that I was just. not trying hard enough, and if I just used this planner, this diary, this housekeeping schedule - if I gave the kids more responsibility, involved them with the household tasks, then it wouldn't be so hard. 

When our oldest daughter was in kindergarten, I strongly suspected that she had ADHD. I mentioned it to her kindergarten teacher, who just said that she would mature and develop the executive functioning skills with time. We were noticing that she would lose things, forget things, couldn't follow instructions more than one step at a time. Couldn't break down larger tasks. She had two operating speeds - fully ON or fully OFF. If she did colouring in, she would use ALLLL the colours, all over the place. Emotions were the same, in that she felt the maximum capacity of each emotion. But because she was just like me, and I didn't have ADHD, then she must not either. She progressed through school, and those traits continued, but because it was normal for us, it didn't occur to us that there was something there. 

When she started high school, there were a few challenges that led us to pursue that question, finally getting an answer that yes, she does have ADHD. We trialled medication, and HALLELUJAH! 

But if she is just like I was, and she has ADHD, I began to wonder. Did I have it too? There is research into the genetic links. I began to devour podcasts, books, articles - do online quizzes, and joined Facebook groups where adult women shared their experiences, and it was enough to convince me that it was worth looking into.  

I scheduled an appointment with a clinical psychologist, who did the assessment. A few weeks later, he sent the report, and it was confirmed that yes, I had combined type ADHD. It was as though my entire life up to that point made sense to me. It was a huge relief, but also generated a sense of grief for all the years I had wasted believing I was a failure at pretty much everything. 

The next question was what to do with this shiny diagnosis. Do I medicate or not?

The reality is that at 46, I had tried unsuccessfully (without knowing) to find my way through this maze without medication. Sometimes it worked beautifully, but more often than not, it didn't. I was working harder to achieve minimal results, and frequently burning out. If I didn't have children, I suppose it might be enough to just acknowledge my unique brain and move forward. It wasn't just me though, and the demands of my life outstripped my capacity on just about every level:

-managing schedules for five people

-advocating for supports for all my people

-taking care of my needs

-studying at university

-trying to finish employment training

-navigating autism x3, ADHD x2

-remembering prescriptions for several people

-household tasks (because we have dust mite allergies, the mess DOES matter)

-all the normal stuff like playdates, sleepovers, which are not straightforward or easy for us

I had to book a separate appointment with a psychiatrist, because my family doctor cannot prescribe ADHD medication, and it meant travelling, because those services are in high demand. Most places are either not taking new clients, or have extremely long waiting lists. I was lucky to find one not too far away, who could see me in about 6 weeks. I met with him, and he confirmed it and organised a prescription. 

It's not everyone's experience, but that first dose was MAGICAL. I woke up at 5, took the tablets. Before the kids got up for school, I had done a load of laundry, run the dishwasher, tidied the whole house. That was a gift in and of itself, but what surprised me was that my emotions were steady. This article does a pretty good job of explaining the chemistry stuff:

https://www.healthline.com/health/dopamine-effects#how-it-makes-you-feel 

For the first time EVER, I returned from the school run, and didn't need a nap. I wasn't crying and I didn't feel like I'd given birth. My house didn't look like we'd been evacuated. It was weird, but in the very best way. In the months that have followed, I have been able to complete my first ever university-level subject. 

Medication is a tool I use, in conjunction with all of the other tools I have, to navigate my life. It doesn't erase my ADHD, or alter my personality. I am able to organise my life, and plan tasks in a way that works with my brain, instead of against it. It makes it easier for me to be the person I have always wanted to be.

 One of the amusing things about it is that while it helps me to tune out distractions, it does not tell me what is or is not a distraction. So I still need to have judgement, because my brain will take fun tasks over less fun tasks every single time. Like that time I forgot to put the kids to bed on time because Miss 13 and I were watching Harry Potter and I needed to finish the movie before moving on to the next job. Oops. 

This is my experience with ADHD, and over the next month I want to share with you what I've learned so far, and hopefully you will learn something too. :-)

XO, Sarah