ADHD and Remote Learning...it has layers...

I have four kiddos doing remote learning right now. It's not my favourite thing. 

Each of them need individual supervision, and they cannot be in the same room at the same time.

The older girls each get 90 minutes of my time. They're supposed to be doing 3 to 4 hours a day, according to their school.

The younger two each get 60 minutes of my time, which is also less than they're "supposed" to be doing. That's 5 hours of supervision, leaving 1 hour a day for me to take phone calls, organise NDIS funding, send emails, attempt to do training for a potential job. If there are extras, like behaviour management, conflict resolution, canine enforcement (she will not stop grooming the chicken?!?), birthday preparations, lunchtime visit to McDonald's drive-through or "Mum come look at this Minecraft thing/Piggy cut scene/help me fix this slime which went wrong", well, I'm just going to have to forgo sleep. 

Prior to diagnosis and treatment, during last years flirtation with lockdown/remote learning, I was not in a good way. My mental health took a dive, and I felt as though I didn't have the right to complain because others were doing it tougher. We had two unknown autism diagnoses, and two unknown ADHD diagnoses. I was training to be a teacher aide, getting some hardcore prac time, but none of what I was learning worked. I worked harder at trying to tick every box, to get that gold star (because gold stars = dopamine!) , because I failed to remember that at the end of the day, nobody was getting gold stars. There were no prizes for being the best at remote learning. 

All of that is relevant because we are currently learning from home again, and the first four weeks of that were trial and error. We finally found the thing that worked, but we were so burned out that nothing was working at that stage. I chose to place wellbeing for all of us over academics, and I have zero regrets. I realised early on that if my children are stressed, then they're not learning- they are just doing work. I realised that all of us were working so hard to just be 'okay-ish' that there wasn't a lot of capacity left. If I was having a day with minimal capacity, how was I meant to provide individual support to four children?

I chose to acknowledge that there is no one right way to do this stuff, and every family, every child is different, and rather than force everyone to do it one way, I would work from a hierarchical viewpoint. 

Maslow's hierarchy of needs begins with physiological needs. If we are tired, hungry, thirsty, or uncomfortable, we cannot function well. This is complicated in our house because with multiple unknown sensory issues, food is HARD. Our kiddos just want food that is the same every single time. Can I get an AMEN from my chicken nugget parents? Do I wish my people ate a more nutritious diet? Of course. But this is not the time to take on that challenge. 

This leads to the next level - safety and security. They need to feel secure, and safe. So much of their world is beyond their control. What do they have control over? I like to think of this as picking our battles. Let them have autonomy whenever possible, to help them feel a sense of control. If they need to play Minecraft 5 hours a day because it helps them feel a sense of security, then I'll let it happen. Now is not the time to fight about screen time, tidying their room or showers. 

Their need for friendship, relationship - that is so hard right now, because lockdown. But for one of my children, video calls with her friends is the only thing keeping her going. She can do it for HOURS. She really only tolerates school because her friends are there, so without that connection there is no ability to meaningfully engage with learning. Two of my kiddos prefer online interaction to in-person interaction, and really don't want to ever go back to school.  It's a mixed bag, but I try to pay attention to what their needs are and respond accordingly.

Feelings of accomplishment, prestige are both something I can understand. It's that 'gold star' feeling, and without it, motivation is low. I lavish praise on the effort - regardless of the outcome. I had a child who could only manage to reply to emails yesterday, and I let them know I was crazy proud of them.

Self-fulfilment is at the top, and without all the other layers, it cannot happen. I cannot have the expectation that a child will be capable of waking up, and doing everything asked of them if their basic needs are not met, so I chose to place connection and regulation before expectations. The thing about a pandemic is that none of us has a plan for this - so as long as you're doing the best you can, with whatever you have then you're doing it exactly right. 

What does this have to do with ADHD, you ask? Simple - these conclusions are only made possible because I am managing ADHD in my life, through medication, counselling, and awareness. It was debilitating in terms of lockdown and remote learning before those things happened. So if you're on the fence about whether to be assessed, know that having an accurate picture can make a world of difference. 

If you love someone with ADHD, just be kind. Help them, support them to develop the skills. Be patient - we are working really hard at just being okay! Keep demands low, remind us to take care of basic needs - it really helps us! 

XO, Sarah