Learning to be ME
Our family life doesn't look like I imagined it would. If I had to guess, I'd say yours doesn't either. Or maybe it does, which - hooray for you. But in my world, four children in five years, a husband who works away, anxiety - definitely NOT what I pictured. Nevertheless, it's what I've been given, so my desire is to be content in this role, and to be the best me I can be.
Yes, it's tough having him away, but you know what is tougher? Having him here, but unavailable because he is under stress. So even though he could find work closer to home, he would actually be LESS present than he currently is. What we have isn't perfect, but it's consistent. Our family only functions as well as it does because it's consistent. When we have changes, things tend to get hairy, emotionally. So even though this is hard, we make it work. Sometimes better than others, but it works.
Learning to care for myself in both practical (think showers, brushing teeth, and eating breakfast), leisurely (reading funny books, having a quiet cup of tea/coffee), and soul-nurturing ways (Bible study, prayer, gratitude journal) is challenging. Not "climb Mount Everest" challenging but relatively challenging. The things I say to myself, I would NEVER say to another human being. The vitriol which I aim at myself, have nearly always aimed at myself- it's hard to undo.
Parts of my personality which I thought were dead are now quietly alive. With every act of defiant self-care, I peel back a layer of self-neglect. It's a bit like a backwards allegory of Eustace Clarence Scrubb, in which the process is painful, but with each layer of dragon skin, he becomes something different. In the same way, each time I commit a defiant act of self-care, I peel back a layer of self-neglect. Sometimes it is painful, because it feels utterly selfish. The woman I am becoming though, she is who you all have seen all along, but I could not.
She is beautiful, inside and out.
She is confident, fearless, and strong.
She has a strong faith.
She is persistent.
She is intelligent.
She is kind.
In short, I think I can finally see -
She is ME.
Learning to care for myself in both practical (think showers, brushing teeth, and eating breakfast), leisurely (reading funny books, having a quiet cup of tea/coffee), and soul-nurturing ways (Bible study, prayer, gratitude journal) is challenging. Not "climb Mount Everest" challenging but relatively challenging. The things I say to myself, I would NEVER say to another human being. The vitriol which I aim at myself, have nearly always aimed at myself- it's hard to undo.
Parts of my personality which I thought were dead are now quietly alive. With every act of defiant self-care, I peel back a layer of self-neglect. It's a bit like a backwards allegory of Eustace Clarence Scrubb, in which the process is painful, but with each layer of dragon skin, he becomes something different. In the same way, each time I commit a defiant act of self-care, I peel back a layer of self-neglect. Sometimes it is painful, because it feels utterly selfish. The woman I am becoming though, she is who you all have seen all along, but I could not.
She is beautiful, inside and out.
She is confident, fearless, and strong.
She has a strong faith.
She is persistent.
She is intelligent.
She is kind.
In short, I think I can finally see -
She is ME.
XO,
Sarah
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