Disjointed But Hopefully Intelligible Ramblings

I've been exhausted for a long time. Instead of being kind to myself, I have shushed my body's cries for food, rest, water, and basic hygiene with coffee and adrenaline, until I have utterly depleted all of its available resources. And then I caffeinate again, and hope for the best. In today's society, it is seen as a badge of honour as a busy mum. The question "how does she do it?" is seen as a goal to reach, so by that measure, I'm amazing. The reality is that I am invisible in my own life. My desires come totally from what I think others might need, what will make everyone in my life happy. On some levels, this is actually a noble thing- but much like my love of soft cheese, I have taken it to such an extreme that I say 'yes' to literally EVERY good thing which is put in front of me. It's a reflex. Today a friend said that she was going to outsource her housecleaning when she started getting clients again. My immediate response? "I'll do it!" Why? Because I genuinely want to help, because I actually like cleaning, because I have conditioned myself to fill every single need placed in front of me IMMEDIATELY. Thankfully, she is an excellent and wise friend who knows this about me and declined my offer, though not in so many words.  

Now, for those of you not in the parenting arena, I can tell you that children have many needs. Some genuine, some urgent - but a lot of them are not. Having anxiety and being around my kids has impaired my ability to know the difference. I have learned to exist in two states: DEFCON 1, or 

Disaster Recovery/Readiness. Both of these states are emotionally draining, and it leaves me feeling very much like a dried-out husk. 

In order to reconnect with my own basic needs, I need to step back from some things, scale others back, and make like Doctor Who into the TARDIS for a short time. When hospital sounds like a wonderfully relaxing time, and you define showering as a radical act of self-care, it's time for defensive action. I need to put energy into caring for myself better, but that has to come from somewhere. I need to figure out how I got to this stage so I don't end up here again. I also need to figure out how to get out of this stage which I suspect will involve some very painful habit-breaking, as well as some challenging habit-building.

I'm going away for a few days with my husband. While it is a wonderful and rare opportunity to spend time alone with him, it is also an incredible opportunity to exist in a quiet and calm space that is hard to find in my world. At this point, it feels overwhelming and part of me thinks, "I'll just stay home, it's too hard." There is a part of my brain which is growing though, which says "You need this and I will not allow you to give up". 

Which is a good thought to end on - Don't Give Up. 

XO, Sarah