Fear and Longing

I long to lose weight, yet I'm afraid of being at a healthy weight.

The last time I was at a healthy weight, I was blissfully unaware of my weight. Then college happened, and a series of stressful life events, then a job at McDonald's, then some time in the Navy, which seriously messed with my perceptions of food and body image. Then I met my husband, and though it was a happy time, I let my weight spiral out of control. Then we got married, and between pregnancy, miscarriage, moving interstate and overseas, more pregnancies, buying a house, I've let myself go. 

The thing is, I'm happy in myself. I'm confident in how I look - until I see myself in the mirror. My husband finds me attractive. I am proud of all that my body has done. It has grown and birthed four children in five years. It has carried, snuggled, and rocked those children. It has nourished those children. I wear my stretch marks, my soft squishy bits - with a nod of respect. 

I'm not healthy. I turn 40 this year, and I feel...old. There's this weird moment of surprise when I reflect on that, because in my head, I'm still 25. I don't really have preconceived notions of what it is to be 40, except that at 40 you probably have your act together, and I totally don't. Plus, I still use the word "totally".

I'm not sure what it is that I fear about being at a healthy weight. Maybe I'm afraid that I will lose some of who I am. Maybe it's a fear of failing at all the things I could do if I wasn't encumbered by this extra weight. Maybe it's an underlying belief that I am not worthy of wearing lovely clothes, of being able to navigate my world, without feeling as though I take up too much space. It's not a superficial thing, really. Though it would be nice to not look so tired all the time, it's more not wanting to feel tired all the time. To feel like a vibrant, healthy woman in the prime of her life. 

Maybe today is the day when the longing is louder and stronger than the fear. Yes, I think it might just be the day when I choose to make one small change, because Fear and Longing is not a life, but an existence. 

And I want more. 

xo, Sarah


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