An epiphany, of sorts
Two things:
One, I am not going to apologise for existing any longer. When someone asks me about myself, I always talk about Charlotte and Lachlan, as if I don't exist except for them. No wonder I feel invisible - I treat myself that way! So you may notice a few changes here on my blog from now on - I'll still write about motherhood, marriage, and the whole mess, but I'm not censoring myself any longer. I am who I am, and while it's good for people to like me, I will not cram myself into a mold of who I think other people expect me to be. Because honestly? Life is too short for anything else.
I don't often stop to think about my life as a whole, because quite honestly, I'm just too busy to do it. But in a nutshell, the last two years have involved a "miscarriage", two moves (one international), two pregnancies, culture shock x 2, birth, death in the family, my dad's cancer, and now his impending death. Add to that the normal everyday struggles and emotions of marriage and raising children, and for good measure, a bit of identity crisis. It's quite a lot, really. Yesterday in church, I was thinking about all of this stuff, and all of a sudden, God sent me a message of such love, such grace. He told me that He is bigger than all of it, and he loves me and will take care of all of these things and more. I was just overwhelmed with emotion, and I couldn't speak or sing - my throat closed up, and I just cried. Not heaving sobs, but big fat hot salty tears, pouring out of my eyes and rolling down my face. I am nothing, nobody in the big picture, and yet God loves me. How amazing is that??
One, I am not going to apologise for existing any longer. When someone asks me about myself, I always talk about Charlotte and Lachlan, as if I don't exist except for them. No wonder I feel invisible - I treat myself that way! So you may notice a few changes here on my blog from now on - I'll still write about motherhood, marriage, and the whole mess, but I'm not censoring myself any longer. I am who I am, and while it's good for people to like me, I will not cram myself into a mold of who I think other people expect me to be. Because honestly? Life is too short for anything else.
I don't often stop to think about my life as a whole, because quite honestly, I'm just too busy to do it. But in a nutshell, the last two years have involved a "miscarriage", two moves (one international), two pregnancies, culture shock x 2, birth, death in the family, my dad's cancer, and now his impending death. Add to that the normal everyday struggles and emotions of marriage and raising children, and for good measure, a bit of identity crisis. It's quite a lot, really. Yesterday in church, I was thinking about all of this stuff, and all of a sudden, God sent me a message of such love, such grace. He told me that He is bigger than all of it, and he loves me and will take care of all of these things and more. I was just overwhelmed with emotion, and I couldn't speak or sing - my throat closed up, and I just cried. Not heaving sobs, but big fat hot salty tears, pouring out of my eyes and rolling down my face. I am nothing, nobody in the big picture, and yet God loves me. How amazing is that??
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