Consequences, Boundaries, Self-Respect, and What Lies Ahead
You know, just your average Saturday night thoughts...
We had a 'situation' here yesterday. Before we get to that though, here's something I realised. My children, while they love me, do not respect me. I have wondered at this for so long. Their teachers, their peers, other adults - all get respect. Everyone tells me how amazing my children are. I rarely get to see it. I've been so frustrated by this, until I actually thought:
They don't respect me because their whole lives, they have watched me disrespect myself.
Ouch.
Now that I am developing a healthy level of self-respect, I can say with confidence:
I will not allow anyone to hit me, call me names, or hurt those I love.
I will not do for my children what they can do for themselves
I CAN have boundaries.
Which leads me to the second part of this post. Some time ago, I wrote about establishing boundaries- I have learned that without self-respect, and a firm belief that they are necessary, I cannot hold them.
I'll be honest here, I gave up. I was outnumbered, overwhelmed, and dealing with my own anxiety/depression, and working through some hard stuff. I simply didn't have the knowledge or capacity to even have boundaries, let alone defend them.
Now though, I'm doing so well. God has been using the last two years to refine me, and I am thankful. He has brought me through that valley I wrote about, and on this side of it there is joy. Not only joy - but even the hard things, I still have joy. My Father above is holding me, sometimes dragging me ever forward. So we're restarting the boundaries project, and while I know some challenging times lie ahead, I am not afraid. I know that I am held, even when it's hard.
So consequences. I have a few kids, and they're all different. What works for one child may not work for another. Like every family on the planet, right? I have struggled with establishing consequences and enforcing them consistently. Even my pal Google gives too much information and sifting through it is just too hard. The result of this is that I have allowed things to go unchecked, unchallenged for so long that there is a massive culture of disrespect in our house. In order to create the culture we want, I have to first be consistent in disallowing the undesirable things. There are several behaviours which have been problematic, but they mostly fall under the umbrella of disrespect, and I have chosen to address this first.
Respect for parents
Respect for siblings
Respect for self
The rest will come later, but this has to be first. So many things start with respect that it makes sense to begin there.
Now for the "what lies ahead" part.
I have tried many methods to get our kids to do more things for themselves, to help out more around the house, to get them to own their role in our family. It has failed time and again because I have needed to control everything, which is why I got so burned out to begin with. Earlier this year, I discovered a real desire to become a teacher aide. I put it off, I kept finding excuses to not start, but the desire wouldn't go away. A few weeks ago, I found the perfect program, and with the support of my husband, I decided to DO it. So I enrolled, and that's that. You see, I reasoned that maybe the only way our children will step up to the plate is if I take a step back. Let them do things, because I'm simply not immediately available at all times. Let them make mistakes. Let them LEARN from those mistakes. I love my family enough to let them make mistakes. I do not have to take on the consequences for those mistakes, and I can support them emotionally better if I am not physically carrying their load. It will take some time, for us to find our groove.
Practically, I'm on the lookout for a small-ish freezer, so I can do some batch lunchbox/afternoon tea/dinner preparation, to minimise the day to day work. I have changed the way we do chores, making it a general list that everyone checks and needs to be done before any free time. I let them cook dinner on the 'easy' nights, and I include them in decisions about which activities we do together. I hold them responsible for cleaning up after themselves, even when it would be faster/easier/less emotionally stressful to do it myself. I'm creating routines for myself, for them, and for our family to make things run as smoothly as possible. All of this still has a human factor, and no matter how good it might look on paper, the reality is that we will make mistakes. Hopefully, we will make them with love, compassion, understanding and respect.
XO,
Sarah
We had a 'situation' here yesterday. Before we get to that though, here's something I realised. My children, while they love me, do not respect me. I have wondered at this for so long. Their teachers, their peers, other adults - all get respect. Everyone tells me how amazing my children are. I rarely get to see it. I've been so frustrated by this, until I actually thought:
They don't respect me because their whole lives, they have watched me disrespect myself.
Ouch.
Now that I am developing a healthy level of self-respect, I can say with confidence:
I will not allow anyone to hit me, call me names, or hurt those I love.
I will not do for my children what they can do for themselves
I CAN have boundaries.
Which leads me to the second part of this post. Some time ago, I wrote about establishing boundaries- I have learned that without self-respect, and a firm belief that they are necessary, I cannot hold them.
I'll be honest here, I gave up. I was outnumbered, overwhelmed, and dealing with my own anxiety/depression, and working through some hard stuff. I simply didn't have the knowledge or capacity to even have boundaries, let alone defend them.
Now though, I'm doing so well. God has been using the last two years to refine me, and I am thankful. He has brought me through that valley I wrote about, and on this side of it there is joy. Not only joy - but even the hard things, I still have joy. My Father above is holding me, sometimes dragging me ever forward. So we're restarting the boundaries project, and while I know some challenging times lie ahead, I am not afraid. I know that I am held, even when it's hard.
So consequences. I have a few kids, and they're all different. What works for one child may not work for another. Like every family on the planet, right? I have struggled with establishing consequences and enforcing them consistently. Even my pal Google gives too much information and sifting through it is just too hard. The result of this is that I have allowed things to go unchecked, unchallenged for so long that there is a massive culture of disrespect in our house. In order to create the culture we want, I have to first be consistent in disallowing the undesirable things. There are several behaviours which have been problematic, but they mostly fall under the umbrella of disrespect, and I have chosen to address this first.
Respect for parents
Respect for siblings
Respect for self
The rest will come later, but this has to be first. So many things start with respect that it makes sense to begin there.
Now for the "what lies ahead" part.
I have tried many methods to get our kids to do more things for themselves, to help out more around the house, to get them to own their role in our family. It has failed time and again because I have needed to control everything, which is why I got so burned out to begin with. Earlier this year, I discovered a real desire to become a teacher aide. I put it off, I kept finding excuses to not start, but the desire wouldn't go away. A few weeks ago, I found the perfect program, and with the support of my husband, I decided to DO it. So I enrolled, and that's that. You see, I reasoned that maybe the only way our children will step up to the plate is if I take a step back. Let them do things, because I'm simply not immediately available at all times. Let them make mistakes. Let them LEARN from those mistakes. I love my family enough to let them make mistakes. I do not have to take on the consequences for those mistakes, and I can support them emotionally better if I am not physically carrying their load. It will take some time, for us to find our groove.
Practically, I'm on the lookout for a small-ish freezer, so I can do some batch lunchbox/afternoon tea/dinner preparation, to minimise the day to day work. I have changed the way we do chores, making it a general list that everyone checks and needs to be done before any free time. I let them cook dinner on the 'easy' nights, and I include them in decisions about which activities we do together. I hold them responsible for cleaning up after themselves, even when it would be faster/easier/less emotionally stressful to do it myself. I'm creating routines for myself, for them, and for our family to make things run as smoothly as possible. All of this still has a human factor, and no matter how good it might look on paper, the reality is that we will make mistakes. Hopefully, we will make them with love, compassion, understanding and respect.
XO,
Sarah
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