Stuff to Do

Our family life doesn't look like I imagined it would. If I had to guess, I'd say yours doesn't either. Or maybe it does, which - hooray for you. But in my world, four children in five years, a husband who works away, anxiety - definitely NOT what I pictured. Nevertheless, it's what I've been given, so my desire is to be content in this role, and to be the best me I can be.  Yes, it's tough having him away, but you know what is tougher? Having him here, but unavailable because he is under stress. So even though he could find work closer to home, he would actually be LESS present than he currently is. What we have isn't perfect, but it's consistent. Our family only functions as well as it does because it's consistent. When we have changes, things tend to get hairy, emotionally. So even though this is hard, we make it work. Sometimes better than others, but it works. Learning to care for myself in both practical (think showers, brushing teeth, a...

So, after three days away, I am recharged. Not fully, but even 25% feels AMAZING. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to feel 100%. The first morning, I awoke with a 'sleep hangover', because it's been an extremely long night since I slept 10 uninterrupted hours. Upon waking, I discovered that my wallet was not where I thought it was. I got completely a bit panicked, but my darling husband set me right. We transferred the money from my account to his, as a precaution, and he gave me cash, and sent me on my way. For the next two and a half days, I navigated public transport and walked a lot more than I intended. I acquired the perfume I've wanted for 11 years, and enjoyed the anonymous bliss of being in a city where people are all around me, but none of them are talking to me, so I can just be quiet. I read two books, ate nice (HOT) food and bought clothes. I resolutely avoided all housewares, stationery or children's purchases because I realised tha...

I've been exhausted for a long time. Instead of being kind to myself, I have shushed my body's cries for food, rest, water, and basic hygiene with coffee and adrenaline, until I have utterly depleted all of its available resources. And then I caffeinate again, and hope for the best. In today's society, it is seen as a badge of honour as a busy mum. The question "how does she do it?" is seen as a goal to reach, so by that measure, I'm amazing. The reality is that I am invisible in my own life. My desires come totally from what I think others might need, what will make everyone in my life happy. On some levels, this is actually a noble thing- but much like my love of soft cheese, I have taken it to such an extreme that I say 'yes' to literally EVERY good thing which is put in front of me. It's a reflex. Today a friend said that she was going to outsource her housecleaning when she started getting clients again. My immediate response? "I'll ...

I have long suspected the autism spectrum. Or something. Several times, I have begun to investigate just what "or something" might mean, only to surrender to the doubt of my own judgement. -No, he just needs more church. -No, he just needs more time with his father. -No, he just needs a good spanking. -No, he just needs to be made to mind. -No, it's my crappy parenting. -No, it's his school. -No, it's just how boys act. -No, it's me not coping that is the problem. I have come up against every single one of these thoughts, or statements, from myself or others. Over and over and over again- and I get up, I try again. A bit more tired. A bit less hopeful that "this or that" will work. And it's worth mentioning that until very recently, I was the only person in my family to even suspect anything was amiss. Probably because I'm the only one to see ALL of it, on the front lines 24 hours a day, every day. I sweep up the broken glass, mop ...