When the Cure Creates A Different Challenge, What is Next?
I made the choice at the start of summer holidays to go off my medication. While it was excellent at cutting through the dark fog surrounding me, it also addled my brains a bit. I had a sense of being 'outside' my life looking in, rather than actually being in it. In some ways this was great - tantrums, whinging, sibling rivalry - they all skimmed the surface of my awareness, instead of barging in the door and making themselves at home, wrecking the joint. In other ways though, it was very difficult for me to be present for others, and engage. Also, there were some other side effects that while not dire, left me feeling a bit 'meh'. Having had my husband around for three weeks has been incredibly helpful, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit anxious about when he goes back to work, as it's still three(ish) weeks until the children go back to school - but I still think I'm in the right frame of mind to try alternative methods of working with anxiety and depression. I had a lot of time to think about so many different things while on holiday over Christmas, such as: what wasn't working in my life, what it is I'm striving for, and what was working in my life.
While in the passenger seat (which serves as a nifty metaphor, since I was literally not driving but also I was happy to ride shotgun with my husband at the helm), I worked out that what frustrates me isn't that my chore charts are ineffective. The charts are seriously AWESOME. No, the problem is that I am lacking in self-confidence which means that the enforcement of the charts falls flat. I've got fabulous ideas, but the ability to see them to fruition is extremely weak. So that's one thing I'm working on. Having my husband home to back me up has been a key element in this. With him here, I'm far less likely to give up.
Another thing I thought about was goals, and how I am skilled at having great big ones, but not so much at reaching them. Probably because they are goals which aren't really ones meant for me. I tend to set goals for the me I think I should be, which is someone who never existed and never will exist. I know this because that version of Sarah is comprised of all the best parts of everyone she's ever met in person or online, in fiction or non-fiction, or on TV. The goals I need to set have to be based in reality. My reality, that is. Not someone else's. I have to stop raising the bar to impossible heights, and stamping FAILURE across my brain, because there are so many things I do extremely well.
What was working in my life? This is a difficult question to answer, mostly because seeing the successes has been a big challenge for me this year. The one thing that stands out the most is my ability to share my life with others - via social media, or friendships in my life. I have this ability to put others at ease, simply by sharing my life openly. The highs, the lows, the ugly, the beautiful. I say what we all think, and in doing so, I expand the "Mom-iverse" for all. I used to feel it was a flaw in my nature, but I now see it as a wonderful part of what makes me who I am.
And again, we come back to what is nearly a swear word for me by now, SELF-CARE.
Ugh.
I don't know why this is such a thing for me, and I desperately want this to change.
While in the passenger seat (which serves as a nifty metaphor, since I was literally not driving but also I was happy to ride shotgun with my husband at the helm), I worked out that what frustrates me isn't that my chore charts are ineffective. The charts are seriously AWESOME. No, the problem is that I am lacking in self-confidence which means that the enforcement of the charts falls flat. I've got fabulous ideas, but the ability to see them to fruition is extremely weak. So that's one thing I'm working on. Having my husband home to back me up has been a key element in this. With him here, I'm far less likely to give up.
Another thing I thought about was goals, and how I am skilled at having great big ones, but not so much at reaching them. Probably because they are goals which aren't really ones meant for me. I tend to set goals for the me I think I should be, which is someone who never existed and never will exist. I know this because that version of Sarah is comprised of all the best parts of everyone she's ever met in person or online, in fiction or non-fiction, or on TV. The goals I need to set have to be based in reality. My reality, that is. Not someone else's. I have to stop raising the bar to impossible heights, and stamping FAILURE across my brain, because there are so many things I do extremely well.
What was working in my life? This is a difficult question to answer, mostly because seeing the successes has been a big challenge for me this year. The one thing that stands out the most is my ability to share my life with others - via social media, or friendships in my life. I have this ability to put others at ease, simply by sharing my life openly. The highs, the lows, the ugly, the beautiful. I say what we all think, and in doing so, I expand the "Mom-iverse" for all. I used to feel it was a flaw in my nature, but I now see it as a wonderful part of what makes me who I am.
And again, we come back to what is nearly a swear word for me by now, SELF-CARE.
Ugh.
I don't know why this is such a thing for me, and I desperately want this to change.
Mark 12:30-31New International Version (NIV)
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”
I'm AWESOME at loving my neighbour; but loving myself? Not so much. I have to work extremely hard at it, and if you haven't noticed, there's a theme flowing through all of these things of me baulking at sustained hard work. So I have to read that verse and think: If I love myself, I can then love my neighbour better. If I abuse myself, I have less to offer others. God loved me so much that he gave Jesus - how can I better love myself?
- A salad instead of fast food
- Breakfast
- water
- sunscreen
- rest
- activities which bring me pleasure (singing, reading, cooking for pleasure, and writing)
- regular walking
- doing things for others
This is just a small list, but every heart's healing has a beginning.
This, my dear friends, is my beginning.
Love,
Sarah
Comments