Mother Guilt
I'm wrestling tonight with some massive loads of guilt, and in an effort to work through it, I thought I'd write some things down, and just throw it out there into the night, somewhere between the stars and sky, where God can sort it out because I'm just too, too tired.
My oldest was in hospital last week. Bilateral pneumonia, as a complication of this blasted flu we've all had. Now. I didn't cause the flu, and I didn't cause the pneumonia. In fact, the latter was caused by her not coughing up the stuff in her lungs. So I know that I didn't cause all the fuss. What I don't know, or what I've been trying rather hard to compensate for, is whether I did everything in my power to make her well. I had rather a rough week as well, having also had the flu. Trying to care for four children, all in varying stages of sickness, while being so sick myself- it kind of addled my brains. I kept looking at her, and thinking "she needs to go to the doctor". But then I'd think - "but it's just a virus, keep pushing fluids, rest. She'll turn the corner soon". And honestly, even the day I took her to the doctor, I thought she'd turned the corner in the night. But I was wrong.
Cue Guilt. Lots of it. Guilt because I was wrong, because I doubted myself in the first place, because I let her get so darn sick at all, because I had to divide myself between home and hospital, because my other children needed me too and I couldn't be there for them. Guilt because my husband had to hold the fort and he was sick. Because I couldn't do it all. And I know, I know. I've written about not doing it all, and I do believe that. But caring for my family, it's my job. And in the last week, I've felt like I've failed at my job. And no matter how much I tell myself that I've done the best I can do, a tiny part of me still throws out the "why didn't I..." question.
We brought school holidays forward by a week, because I didn't want to risk our fragile immune systems with anything else from school or preschool. Plus, it's really only been today that everyone's appetite has returned. The adrenaline of last week has worn off, and I'm drained. I actually need a nap by lunchtime, not that one is forthcoming.
I got a message from a very dear friend of mine, reminding me that this was not my fault. And I know that. It's not really that I blame myself for causing the illness. It's more that I didn't protect them from it, or I didn't cure it. Silly, I know.
I'm not really looking for sympathy, or encouragement. So many of you have been so very encouraging already - and it is deeply appreciated. I have to let go of all the doubt, and the guilt. Somehow, writing this out has helped begin that process. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
xo, Sarah
My oldest was in hospital last week. Bilateral pneumonia, as a complication of this blasted flu we've all had. Now. I didn't cause the flu, and I didn't cause the pneumonia. In fact, the latter was caused by her not coughing up the stuff in her lungs. So I know that I didn't cause all the fuss. What I don't know, or what I've been trying rather hard to compensate for, is whether I did everything in my power to make her well. I had rather a rough week as well, having also had the flu. Trying to care for four children, all in varying stages of sickness, while being so sick myself- it kind of addled my brains. I kept looking at her, and thinking "she needs to go to the doctor". But then I'd think - "but it's just a virus, keep pushing fluids, rest. She'll turn the corner soon". And honestly, even the day I took her to the doctor, I thought she'd turned the corner in the night. But I was wrong.
Cue Guilt. Lots of it. Guilt because I was wrong, because I doubted myself in the first place, because I let her get so darn sick at all, because I had to divide myself between home and hospital, because my other children needed me too and I couldn't be there for them. Guilt because my husband had to hold the fort and he was sick. Because I couldn't do it all. And I know, I know. I've written about not doing it all, and I do believe that. But caring for my family, it's my job. And in the last week, I've felt like I've failed at my job. And no matter how much I tell myself that I've done the best I can do, a tiny part of me still throws out the "why didn't I..." question.
We brought school holidays forward by a week, because I didn't want to risk our fragile immune systems with anything else from school or preschool. Plus, it's really only been today that everyone's appetite has returned. The adrenaline of last week has worn off, and I'm drained. I actually need a nap by lunchtime, not that one is forthcoming.
I got a message from a very dear friend of mine, reminding me that this was not my fault. And I know that. It's not really that I blame myself for causing the illness. It's more that I didn't protect them from it, or I didn't cure it. Silly, I know.
I'm not really looking for sympathy, or encouragement. So many of you have been so very encouraging already - and it is deeply appreciated. I have to let go of all the doubt, and the guilt. Somehow, writing this out has helped begin that process. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
xo, Sarah
Comments
You did everything you could. You are a great mom, and you do need rest to recover!
Now that it's off your chest, have you also let the guilt get out of your heart???
I know you know in your head that you can't "do it all" and none of this is truly "your fault". But I also know sometimes our hearts aren't very well aligned with our heads... Praying God's grace will flood your heart today.
((hugs))