Life

I went on holidays, and as it always seems to happen, I did a lot of thinking about my life. 

At the beginning of December, I acknowledged that I was not in a good headspace. Yes, I'd gotten the ADHD sorted, and that was kind of under control (as long as I remember to take my meds, that is - be right back!) 

Okay, I'm back. Obviously, or I wouldn't be typing. ANYHOW...

I was not in a good headspace. Everything kind of snuck up on me, and it wasn't like a dramatic breakdown that was obvious. It was a subtle shift, a slow decrease in my emotional capacity to cope with ordinary life. I was irritable, weepy, with very little energy or enthusiasm for anything that I used to love doing. Everything was difficult, and I had reached the point of just not caring. That place, where I didn't even want to try anymore. I was doing most of what I needed to do, but on autopilot. I found myself more and more sitting in my car, having escaped for a few minutes, wishing I could just be the sort of person who disappeared. Obviously I didn't, because I'm still here. But I desperately wanted to, and while some amount of escapism is probably normal, the frequency with which I was experiencing this intense desire to run away was not healthy. So I talked to my husband about it, and I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss going back on antidepressants. I went off them before because life had settled down, I was coping beautifully, and honestly - for a good twelve months I was on fire. But I've been handed a lot of things this year. Two new Autism diagnoses in our family, Two new ADHD diagnoses, Lockdown and remote learning, School refusal, attendance difficulty, Major familial trauma, Three different visits to the hospital for some scary anxiety-related behaviour - it all added up to a plate so full I was in danger of dropping it. It may be that this eases over time, or it may be that this is a permanent addition to my self-care regimen. Either way, I'm thankful.

It's been just over a month, and this morning I was sitting on the back porch with the dog, and I was present. I could notice things. The abundant bird life. The fruit trees and grapevine swaying in the breeze. The warm sunshine on my toes. The blue sky. The tea tree in bloom. I could be there, with all my senses, and just be thankful for my life, and everything in it. The highs, AND the lows. This is how I know it works for me. It's again, not obvious, and it sneaks up on me. When I realise that 'hey, I don't want to run away anymore, and I haven't for two weeks now', that's the moment I know it is working. I can still cry, but it's in situations that warrant tears. I don't cry over folding laundry, dirty dishes. I can function in a crisis, and not be a raging control beast, lashing out at everyone I love. 

So medication is but a part of things changing. I also have had a renewal in my soul. A deepening of my faith. A deep need and intense desire to connect with God in a more authentic and consistent manner. 

I've thought a lot this year about living a values based life, and what that looks like. 

It looks like this: 

Faith in my heavenly Father who cares for me

Resilience to thrive in all circumstances

Integrity in every aspect of my life

I will treat my family as a priority in my life

Compassion for myself, for others

Courage at all times

I will give grace freely, as it has been given to me

I don't know what 2022 has in store. Most of it I have zero control over, but by living my life with these values, I will greet it unafraid, with just a touch of sass. 

XO, 
Sarah