Not this again, surely!
I wasn't well yesterday. Like, "I spent most of the day in bed, with shingles pain in my scalp" unwell. Unfortunately, this did not seem to be evident to my children, who didn't hesitate to come in and ask me for things, despite their father being RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
I digress...
Two things became crystal clear:
1. Either I don't have boundaries, or
2. They are invisible.
I asked one of our children "Last Saturday when Dad was laid up with a migraine, did you ask him for anything?" Her response: "No." "And why is that?" "Because he was sick."
People, my eyebrows may have touched the back of my head.
Paddocks need boundaries, and so do I - but where to start?
In the past, when I've embarked on a boundary mission, it's been more about giving the children boundaries, and it's exhausting. It relies on ME to build, reinforce, patrol, and hold the boundary, four times over. Initially it succeeds, but let's face it - I'm human. I'm amazing, this is true, but I am a mere mortal, and have limits.
In approaching the whole boundary concept this time, I want to start with personal boundaries.
I will do these things.
I will NOT do these things.
It's not about giving them responsibility yet. It's about putting down all of the things which are not MY responsibility, and allowing them to see and feel the effect of their action or inaction.
Of course, I'm still going to care for my children. I love them! Which is exactly why this has to happen. I have children who lay everything at my feet, and will probably continue to do so. The only difference is that I'm not going to pick it all up and carry it. I will need encouragement, support, and strength - historically, I cave in and rescue everyone. I can't do it this time. I cannot expect them to separate from me, to mature and begin to accept responsibility if I do not first accept that I am a separate being and demonstrate that I am not responsible for everything in the universe.
Where does this leave me, then? It leaves me working out my own paddock - one section at a time.
The first section to begin with is the physical boundaries. This doesn't mean the others aren't important, but that the insertion of physical space between us will be emotionally difficult, and may require a bit of additional support outside those physical boundaries.
I can think of a few steps to building this particular section, but as this is going to be an ongoing project, I want to approach it with thought and care. The first stage of this is :
My Desk.
It's in the middle of a busy living space, (and there really isn't anywhere else to have it), and frequently gets stuff dumped on it. Just as a lot of emotional stuff gets dumped at my feet, so too does the physical. Someone cleans their glasses and leaves the tissue on my desk. Everyone comes to 'borrow' my pens, paper, office supplies - and doesn't return them. One person in particular helps themselves to my laptop (which resulted in my being locked out because they don't know the PIN), installing software without my permission. Even though I have said many times over "Do not touch the things on my desk," it is not having the desired effect. I'm not really sure how to demonstrate that message, but clearly a different approach is required. One thing I can do is to be more self-disciplined at keeping it tidy, making it a point to do a quick tidy every day. If they see me caring for my things, then perhaps they will also begin to care for their things.
Goal: To maintain the boundaries of my desk
Daily Action(s) : I will remove items belonging to others.
I will throw away all rubbish in the bin outside.
I will sort through any paperwork to be completed.
It's a place to start, and I feel more hopeful about it than I have in a long time.
XO, Sarah
I digress...
Two things became crystal clear:
1. Either I don't have boundaries, or
2. They are invisible.
I asked one of our children "Last Saturday when Dad was laid up with a migraine, did you ask him for anything?" Her response: "No." "And why is that?" "Because he was sick."
People, my eyebrows may have touched the back of my head.
Paddocks need boundaries, and so do I - but where to start?
In the past, when I've embarked on a boundary mission, it's been more about giving the children boundaries, and it's exhausting. It relies on ME to build, reinforce, patrol, and hold the boundary, four times over. Initially it succeeds, but let's face it - I'm human. I'm amazing, this is true, but I am a mere mortal, and have limits.
In approaching the whole boundary concept this time, I want to start with personal boundaries.
I will do these things.
I will NOT do these things.
It's not about giving them responsibility yet. It's about putting down all of the things which are not MY responsibility, and allowing them to see and feel the effect of their action or inaction.
Of course, I'm still going to care for my children. I love them! Which is exactly why this has to happen. I have children who lay everything at my feet, and will probably continue to do so. The only difference is that I'm not going to pick it all up and carry it. I will need encouragement, support, and strength - historically, I cave in and rescue everyone. I can't do it this time. I cannot expect them to separate from me, to mature and begin to accept responsibility if I do not first accept that I am a separate being and demonstrate that I am not responsible for everything in the universe.
Where does this leave me, then? It leaves me working out my own paddock - one section at a time.
The first section to begin with is the physical boundaries. This doesn't mean the others aren't important, but that the insertion of physical space between us will be emotionally difficult, and may require a bit of additional support outside those physical boundaries.
I can think of a few steps to building this particular section, but as this is going to be an ongoing project, I want to approach it with thought and care. The first stage of this is :
My Desk.
It's in the middle of a busy living space, (and there really isn't anywhere else to have it), and frequently gets stuff dumped on it. Just as a lot of emotional stuff gets dumped at my feet, so too does the physical. Someone cleans their glasses and leaves the tissue on my desk. Everyone comes to 'borrow' my pens, paper, office supplies - and doesn't return them. One person in particular helps themselves to my laptop (which resulted in my being locked out because they don't know the PIN), installing software without my permission. Even though I have said many times over "Do not touch the things on my desk," it is not having the desired effect. I'm not really sure how to demonstrate that message, but clearly a different approach is required. One thing I can do is to be more self-disciplined at keeping it tidy, making it a point to do a quick tidy every day. If they see me caring for my things, then perhaps they will also begin to care for their things.
Goal: To maintain the boundaries of my desk
Daily Action(s) : I will remove items belonging to others.
I will throw away all rubbish in the bin outside.
I will sort through any paperwork to be completed.
It's a place to start, and I feel more hopeful about it than I have in a long time.
XO, Sarah
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