I Don't Have It Figured Out Yet. Or Maybe I Do?

As my 45th birthday approached, I wasn't feeling very good about it. I'm overweight, not in the most fantastic health, I've only just worked out what I want to be when I grow up, I feel like a mediocre domestic, and I'm happy, most of the time. I love Jesus, I love my family. I try to love the people around me. The thing that was kind of freaking me out was that 45 is kind of close to *looks around furtively* 

50. 

It's just a number, I know. It's also a whopping five years away. Jesus could come back before then. 

The thing about that particular number though, is that when I was 25, (and I don't really remember because hello, 25 years, plus four children equals poor memory), I thought I'd be settled, or have stuff figured out. I thought I'd be  - I don't know, mature? Self-confident? Sigh. 

I'm only just starting on the road to confident, and I'm definitely NOT mature. I have a few things figured out, but many more that are baffling to me. 

The funny thing about time though, is that it doesn't really care whether you feel ready for getting older. It just happens, and so I find myself at the tender age of 45, and it's surprisingly okay. Good, even. 

I'm living exactly the life I once dreamed of, except in a faraway place, with more children than I even dreamed of, and it's a good life. I'm thankful right down to the marrow of my bones for the chance to be in this place, at this age, with these people, serving God with the gifts and talents I have, showing up each day and loving HARD. I am thankful when it's exhausting, and when it's life-giving - because ALL of it is a gift. An extravagant, abundant gift. 

I don't have it figured out, and that's just fine, because as it turns out, contentment doesn't come from having it all together, or from being a certain age. It's a choice I make every day, in a dozen ways. 

Philippians 4:11 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."

I might not be in jail like the man who wrote this, but I am definitely learning to be content. 

Until next time,
Sarah

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