Friday Night Insights
People often say to me "I don't know how you manage with four children.", and the cold hard truth of it is that I am often hanging on by a thread. I have so much in my head, that I am not ready to share with even my family. But those concerns, those thoughts - they are there. The reality of my life is that it's hard. Not the same as someone else's hard, not worse or better- but hard for me. I have four children, each of whom would be a challenge on their own. Adding them together means that one sets another off, and that sets ME off, and then we're all in a full-blown emotional crisis.
I've been getting help for my own mental health, and the process has been very up and down. I think though, that I finally understand the concept of not being able to care for others without caring for myself. I still find it incredibly hard to remember to eat, drink (non-coffee), and shower. I go through the motions of daily existence, completely focused on the kids, on my husband, and I couldn't tell you what I had to eat in a day, or when I last had a drink of water.
So many people have told me, "the mess doesn't matter." I understand the sentiment, but to me, it matters a great deal. Not more than my children or my husband, of course - but there is a world of difference between how I handle stress when my physical surroundings are uncluttered, tidy, bright and fresh-smelling - and how I respond to stress when they are not. I am much calmer and infinitely nicer to be around when my home is in order. Yes, it's unrelenting to keep it that way - but so is my anxiety, and if cleaning my house keeps that beast at bay, then so be it. I have discovered that after dinner, it is far more beneficial to everyone if I allow the littles to watch a bit of tv, while I do a quick tidy up throughout the house. I do the same after they leave in the morning, to give us a fresh start in the afternoons.
A few things which I want to work on here at home are:
1. Laundry. I tend to fill the clothesline twice a week, but the challenge there is getting around to actually folding and putting the clothes away. Seeing a lounge or a chair covered in laundry day after day, as it has been in recent times, is like a visual accusation every single time I see it. So I think I'll just do one or two loads from start to finish, rather than an endless loop. It's still an endless loop (unless we join a nudist colony), but a slightly more manageable one.
2. The "homework/craft" desk - it's a common dumping ground, for laundry, bits to go out to the car, actual homework, pretend homework (from the 'lessons' our son does with his daddy). I painted it a while back, a lovely dusty blue colour - but we never get to see it because it's covered with STUFF. I'd like to work on keeping it clutter-free, and eventually, get the homework supplies organised in an attractive way.
3. The toys. It's a raging hot mess (I acknowledge that others may not think this, but ANXIETY is a jerk, and translates it as such), despite the fact that we don't actually have a lot of toys. I would really like to find a more aesthetically pleasing way to organise it all, which doesn't cost the earth.
4. My desk. it's not pretty. It's small, and I would like it to be functional. It is often the last place I get to in a day, meaning it doesn't get a lot of love. It's covered in school notes, random items, and treasures gifted to me by our children. I've got a few projects going, and it's hard to be productive when I sit there.
Until the next time,
Sarah
I've been getting help for my own mental health, and the process has been very up and down. I think though, that I finally understand the concept of not being able to care for others without caring for myself. I still find it incredibly hard to remember to eat, drink (non-coffee), and shower. I go through the motions of daily existence, completely focused on the kids, on my husband, and I couldn't tell you what I had to eat in a day, or when I last had a drink of water.
So many people have told me, "the mess doesn't matter." I understand the sentiment, but to me, it matters a great deal. Not more than my children or my husband, of course - but there is a world of difference between how I handle stress when my physical surroundings are uncluttered, tidy, bright and fresh-smelling - and how I respond to stress when they are not. I am much calmer and infinitely nicer to be around when my home is in order. Yes, it's unrelenting to keep it that way - but so is my anxiety, and if cleaning my house keeps that beast at bay, then so be it. I have discovered that after dinner, it is far more beneficial to everyone if I allow the littles to watch a bit of tv, while I do a quick tidy up throughout the house. I do the same after they leave in the morning, to give us a fresh start in the afternoons.
A few things which I want to work on here at home are:
1. Laundry. I tend to fill the clothesline twice a week, but the challenge there is getting around to actually folding and putting the clothes away. Seeing a lounge or a chair covered in laundry day after day, as it has been in recent times, is like a visual accusation every single time I see it. So I think I'll just do one or two loads from start to finish, rather than an endless loop. It's still an endless loop (unless we join a nudist colony), but a slightly more manageable one.
2. The "homework/craft" desk - it's a common dumping ground, for laundry, bits to go out to the car, actual homework, pretend homework (from the 'lessons' our son does with his daddy). I painted it a while back, a lovely dusty blue colour - but we never get to see it because it's covered with STUFF. I'd like to work on keeping it clutter-free, and eventually, get the homework supplies organised in an attractive way.
3. The toys. It's a raging hot mess (I acknowledge that others may not think this, but ANXIETY is a jerk, and translates it as such), despite the fact that we don't actually have a lot of toys. I would really like to find a more aesthetically pleasing way to organise it all, which doesn't cost the earth.
4. My desk. it's not pretty. It's small, and I would like it to be functional. It is often the last place I get to in a day, meaning it doesn't get a lot of love. It's covered in school notes, random items, and treasures gifted to me by our children. I've got a few projects going, and it's hard to be productive when I sit there.
Until the next time,
Sarah
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