Angry but Thankful
I feel angry.
Why, you ask?
I am angry at what I have missed this year. I am angry without a target, or at least one that helps. I am angry at the monsters of depression and anxiety, for what they have stolen from me. I was thinking the other day (as we often do this time of year) about the past year, and how it's been nearly a year since our friends came to visit our little corner of the globe. I stopped in my tracks - that cannot be possible.
What the heck happened to this year?
Where was I? I don't even know. Yes, we've had some wonderful moments, some happy occasions, but where was I?
I was lost in a fog of housework, obligation, confusion, exhaustion. Forcing a smile for others whenever possible. Trying to be perfect for everyone all the time, and hating myself when I inevitably failed to measure up. It's almost like I have some kind of memory loss. Much like when I initially had PND, and I don't really recall the first six months of our second daughter's life, I don't really recall this year very clearly. Just moments, really - and even then, I remember them as a spectator, like I wasn't actually involved in them. I am not certain if this is a medication side effect, or just that depression and anxiety are jerks.
I'm truly on the path to recovery, and for that I am thankful. If I hadn't reached the low I was in, I may not have turned around and I'm not sure I want to dwell on that. One thing I am working very hard on is not blaming myself for every single thing that goes wrong, even when my children tell me it is ALL MY FAULT. Because it probably isn't. I am thankful that I am living this life, and learning to love it again. I cannot regain what I have lost, but I can absolutely hold on to my future. And for that, I am profoundly grateful.
Why, you ask?
I am angry at what I have missed this year. I am angry without a target, or at least one that helps. I am angry at the monsters of depression and anxiety, for what they have stolen from me. I was thinking the other day (as we often do this time of year) about the past year, and how it's been nearly a year since our friends came to visit our little corner of the globe. I stopped in my tracks - that cannot be possible.
What the heck happened to this year?
Where was I? I don't even know. Yes, we've had some wonderful moments, some happy occasions, but where was I?
I was lost in a fog of housework, obligation, confusion, exhaustion. Forcing a smile for others whenever possible. Trying to be perfect for everyone all the time, and hating myself when I inevitably failed to measure up. It's almost like I have some kind of memory loss. Much like when I initially had PND, and I don't really recall the first six months of our second daughter's life, I don't really recall this year very clearly. Just moments, really - and even then, I remember them as a spectator, like I wasn't actually involved in them. I am not certain if this is a medication side effect, or just that depression and anxiety are jerks.
I'm truly on the path to recovery, and for that I am thankful. If I hadn't reached the low I was in, I may not have turned around and I'm not sure I want to dwell on that. One thing I am working very hard on is not blaming myself for every single thing that goes wrong, even when my children tell me it is ALL MY FAULT. Because it probably isn't. I am thankful that I am living this life, and learning to love it again. I cannot regain what I have lost, but I can absolutely hold on to my future. And for that, I am profoundly grateful.
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