A Surrendered Life
My husband said last night he was concerned that I don't have interests of my own. Presumably, he meant ones which don't relate to housecleaning, childrearing, or to my status as a homemaker. At first I was, shall we say, indignant? The more I think about it though, I think he may be on to something. I do in point of fact have interests. I enjoy reading, writing, listening to music. I really enjoy creating things, or solving problems. I enjoy cooking, because it incorporates several of those things all at once. I think what is apparent to me, and not to him, is that every one of those interests has had to adapt because of my role as a wife and mother. I sort of wrote about this a few years ago, in this post. But with two more children, life has become more intense.
The truth is, I don't dwell on having no real life of my own because I do miss the ease of operating without little people in tow. I miss being able to say "I'll do this now", and *gasp* then DOING IT. I miss being able to linger over an iced chai, while reading a book with no cranial merit whatsoever. I miss sleeping without smelling wet nappies, and errant limbs draped over me. I miss sleep, full stop. I choose to not dwell on it, because that way lies resentment and bitterness. I do not wish to burden my heart or my loved ones with such a heavy load; I choose instead to acknowledge the temporary loss of those things I miss most, and simply move on.
I am so aware of the passage of time these days - 40th birthday, 10th wedding anniversary, children growing up, milestones reached and conquered. With that awareness comes a desire to slow down, to live intentionally, and to not dwell on what has been, but rather to learn from it, and apply it to what lies before.
Someday, I'll be sipping iced chai and reading a novel, or even writing one. But today, I choose to read parenting books, cook meals which are less likely to be rejected outright, and write Facebook status updates and the occasional blog post. I choose those things, and choose to be content. Because my contentment (and thank you to the dear friend who reminded me of this today!) does not come from the presence or absence of solitude. It is there in all circumstances. I surrender the "me" so that I can embrace this life, this family.
And this surrendered life? It is beautiful, and so worth every moment of surrender, no matter how hard.
Like now, when a child just whacked me IN THE FACE with underpants after going to the toilet. I really wish I had made that last sentence up. See? Surrender. Choosing to be content with writing while being pelted with underpants.
I need to go scrub my face now. :)
XO, Sarah
The truth is, I don't dwell on having no real life of my own because I do miss the ease of operating without little people in tow. I miss being able to say "I'll do this now", and *gasp* then DOING IT. I miss being able to linger over an iced chai, while reading a book with no cranial merit whatsoever. I miss sleeping without smelling wet nappies, and errant limbs draped over me. I miss sleep, full stop. I choose to not dwell on it, because that way lies resentment and bitterness. I do not wish to burden my heart or my loved ones with such a heavy load; I choose instead to acknowledge the temporary loss of those things I miss most, and simply move on.
I am so aware of the passage of time these days - 40th birthday, 10th wedding anniversary, children growing up, milestones reached and conquered. With that awareness comes a desire to slow down, to live intentionally, and to not dwell on what has been, but rather to learn from it, and apply it to what lies before.
Someday, I'll be sipping iced chai and reading a novel, or even writing one. But today, I choose to read parenting books, cook meals which are less likely to be rejected outright, and write Facebook status updates and the occasional blog post. I choose those things, and choose to be content. Because my contentment (and thank you to the dear friend who reminded me of this today!) does not come from the presence or absence of solitude. It is there in all circumstances. I surrender the "me" so that I can embrace this life, this family.
And this surrendered life? It is beautiful, and so worth every moment of surrender, no matter how hard.
Like now, when a child just whacked me IN THE FACE with underpants after going to the toilet. I really wish I had made that last sentence up. See? Surrender. Choosing to be content with writing while being pelted with underpants.
I need to go scrub my face now. :)
XO, Sarah
Comments
Haha! Laughing with you - not AT you. *wink*
What a blessing to be able to be content in the midst of it. Because wishing you were somewhere else is a big ol' drain on the heart. May God continue to strengthen you and give you peace as you trust in him.