What are my dreams?
I've been pondering this question today. The short answer is that a long time ago, possibly in my teens, I gave up on my dreams, and adopted ones that belonged to someone else. Dreams that were more realistic. Which makes them less like dreams, I suppose. So how do I get back to a point in life when I know what my dreams are? I'm talking about the dreams that exist only for me, and not the dreams that I think I should have because someone else I admire has that dream.
Don't misunderstand. I love my family, I love my life as a wife and mother. I strive to do those things well, and I enjoy them immensely. But those things are not the things that drive me. It is what I do, but not so much who I am as an individual.
I started by examining what my gifts are. Singing, writing, and cooking came immediately to mind. Doing any one of those three things can make the outside world disappear. I am focused, steady, and at my absolute calmest when I am doing them.
Then I thought about how I can use them to encourage others, and how I can use them to be more like Jesus.
Singing in church is something that for the time being, I've had to give up. It's just not my time to do it, and that's been hard to accept. But that doesn't mean I have to stop nurturing my voice either. I can fill my home with music, I can sing for my children, I can teach them the joy and beauty of a simple melody sung from the heart. I miss being part of the worship team at church, but the simple truth is that with three little ones needing supervision, and one on the way, and with all the unpredictablility that entails, I can not be counted on.
Writing is something that I love to do - and rarely have the time for. I went to a day conference this weekend, and the topic of journalling came up. I love journalling (blogging?), but it's so hard to sit down and focus. There are so many words in my head and heart, but my perfectionist nature won't let me begin if I can not finish expressing them. And the chances that I will be interrupted are pretty high, so often my heart goes unspoken. But the truth is, that when I do write, I try very hard to be open and honest, to share what things are really like - because there's a really good chance that someone reading will be encouraged to know they are not alone. I try to write honestly, but positively. Grumping may feel good short term, but serves no higher purpose. Writing the way I do gives me focus, purpose, and intention.
Cooking is something that when I do it, I am totally lost. In a good way. Stirring a bechamel, assembling lasagne, creating the perfect curry, making food look 'pretty but not TOO pretty', imagining different menus - I could spend a lot of time on this. The ways to use this to serve my family are obvious, as are the ways I can use this to further God's kingdom. I was, until now, baking morning tea for our playgroup. Having to take some time off from that is hard, but I know that my time will come again. I have made meals for people in the past, or invited people to my home, and it's something that fills me with so much joy. Feeding people, and feeding them well, is an absolute passion of mine.
Now to take these three things, and incorporate them into my current season of life - that's the challenge. But at least I've begun to think about it, and maybe will rediscover what my dreams are after all. They probably look a bit different than they did at 15, instead reflecting who I am today. Older, hopefully wiser, and more confident than the awkward teenager who lost touch with those dreams.
Thanks for listening,
Sarah
Don't misunderstand. I love my family, I love my life as a wife and mother. I strive to do those things well, and I enjoy them immensely. But those things are not the things that drive me. It is what I do, but not so much who I am as an individual.
I started by examining what my gifts are. Singing, writing, and cooking came immediately to mind. Doing any one of those three things can make the outside world disappear. I am focused, steady, and at my absolute calmest when I am doing them.
Then I thought about how I can use them to encourage others, and how I can use them to be more like Jesus.
Singing in church is something that for the time being, I've had to give up. It's just not my time to do it, and that's been hard to accept. But that doesn't mean I have to stop nurturing my voice either. I can fill my home with music, I can sing for my children, I can teach them the joy and beauty of a simple melody sung from the heart. I miss being part of the worship team at church, but the simple truth is that with three little ones needing supervision, and one on the way, and with all the unpredictablility that entails, I can not be counted on.
Writing is something that I love to do - and rarely have the time for. I went to a day conference this weekend, and the topic of journalling came up. I love journalling (blogging?), but it's so hard to sit down and focus. There are so many words in my head and heart, but my perfectionist nature won't let me begin if I can not finish expressing them. And the chances that I will be interrupted are pretty high, so often my heart goes unspoken. But the truth is, that when I do write, I try very hard to be open and honest, to share what things are really like - because there's a really good chance that someone reading will be encouraged to know they are not alone. I try to write honestly, but positively. Grumping may feel good short term, but serves no higher purpose. Writing the way I do gives me focus, purpose, and intention.
Cooking is something that when I do it, I am totally lost. In a good way. Stirring a bechamel, assembling lasagne, creating the perfect curry, making food look 'pretty but not TOO pretty', imagining different menus - I could spend a lot of time on this. The ways to use this to serve my family are obvious, as are the ways I can use this to further God's kingdom. I was, until now, baking morning tea for our playgroup. Having to take some time off from that is hard, but I know that my time will come again. I have made meals for people in the past, or invited people to my home, and it's something that fills me with so much joy. Feeding people, and feeding them well, is an absolute passion of mine.
Now to take these three things, and incorporate them into my current season of life - that's the challenge. But at least I've begun to think about it, and maybe will rediscover what my dreams are after all. They probably look a bit different than they did at 15, instead reflecting who I am today. Older, hopefully wiser, and more confident than the awkward teenager who lost touch with those dreams.
Thanks for listening,
Sarah
Comments
You will find yourself again...it's hard when you have 4 little ones that are all so close in age. No one expects you to be superwoman (and yet you are!). You will find you again. And your dreams will flourish.
My dreams are no longer my dreams...they're "our" dreams. That's how we know we've grown up. (we're never going to be OLD!)
Love you!