Stuff to Do

I'm loving life again. Antidepressants can take ages to work, but by the grace of God, I have found the right one, the right dose, quickly. And it's working. The darkness which has been my companion for nearly a decade - it's just not there. It's a bit strange because the way I'm feeling, which is a new kind of normal, is foreign. It is a deep, deep happiness; an awareness of little things which I simply could not see and an 'unawareness' of little things which before, seemed so big and frightening. There is a 'letting go' of some things, and a 'holding close' of others. Practically, I have more energy. I've been able to walk the dog, and to my surprise, I enjoyed it. The physiotherapist says I will eventually be able to run, and I'm hoping to do some local park runs with my husband. The dietitian is helping me work through some things, too. I've got a committed network of friends and professionals, all helping me to get well. I...

Did you know that it isn't possible to maintain a shield of "I'm fine" indefinitely? I didn't either, except now I do. 9 years ago, I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. I allowed others around me to convince me I was fine. That motherhood was hard, and that I was merely not being grateful or mindful of the joyful bits. That I needed to pray more, or that my faith in God was weak. To be honest, I resented being told that I was somehow not grateful. I couldn't communicate that I trusted God, but wondered why on earth he felt I was suited to motherhood. I couldn't communicate that while I loved my family, I hated my life. I couldn't communicate that I felt they would be better without me in the picture, if I were hospitalised or just somewhere else. I couldn't communicate how badly I seemed to be failing at everything. Life went on. We had more children, more big changes. I was simply too busy to take on the burden of dealing with the uncomf...